


Mercy

by Wonkyun



Series: Changkyuns suffer [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hopefull Ending, I promise, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Victim Blaming, Victim Blaming by the victim, bottling emotions., changkyun will get help, just not right now.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 01:04:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13224951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: Changkyun knows it's his fault. He should never have trusted the man, but he did and now he's suffering from the aftermath and he doesn't know how to make it better. Doesn't know how to make his chest stop hurting, doesn't even know if he wants it to stop hurting. He just wants  to feel better.





	Mercy

**Author's Note:**

> Warning : implied/referenced rape/noncon  
> Implied/referenced underage  
> Short flashback of rape/noncon 
> 
> Do not read if this will trigger or upset you . Otherwise here is some changkyun angst.
> 
> Inspired by the song:  
> Mercy-- Lewis Capaldi
> 
> "Please, please have mercy on me, im falling apart"

When changkyun first joined no mercy he never thought he would stand a chance , never mind get chosen to be part of monsta X. Thinking back changkyun regrets ever deciding to be an idol in some ways. He knows deep down that he doesn't deserve it, too ugly and used and awkward, he knows these thoughts are bad to have but what can he do when they're true . 

He knows what everybody is thinking , can feel it right now as Hoseok stares at him across the recording room. They all know he doesn't deserve it, he wonders how they'd feel if they knew how deep he was used, how gross he truly was . They would definitely kick him out, an idol group is not the place for somebody who can't defend themselves and is as dirty as changkyun is. Isn't the place for somebody impure.

As changkyun sits down at the table for lunch he tries to convince himself that he has it together , tries to convince himself that the mere mention of that manager didn't make him dizzy and sick . It was just a passing comment he tells himself, hyungwon had probably meant another person with the same name anyways.He knows that he is being dramatic, knows he deserves everything life throws at him through some way or another. He knows. He knows. He swears he knows. So why is it suddenly so difficult to breath.

"Come on 'kyun, let me in. Relax , it will feel good."

"I don't know why you're crying sweetheart, you know you deserve this." 

"Fuck, you're such a slut baby, strutting into my office like that, practically begging for it. Don't worry I'll take care of you."

Stop, stop, stop. Please just stop. But the words don't come out, all that comes out is stuttered apologies and sobs.

He couldn't say it then and he couldn't say it now, his thoughts plagued by a relationship of toxic origins and he couldn't even stop them. It was his fault, that was the worst part. He knew he should never have trusted the man so easily when he first joined the company. He should have recognised the signs,should have known better, the sleezy looks, the wandering hands and the godforsaken comments and changkyun did nothing, just stood idly by and let it build into something much much worse. Let it become a monster, that same monster that he keeps locked up inside himself, in every crack and false smile. He knows it isn't healthy to lock something so traumatic inside himself but he has no other option . Just the thought of what his band mates would think is enough to keep him quite, plaster a smile on his face and pretend all is well.

"Changkyun-ah are you ok?" 

Changkyun is startled out of his thoughts by a worried looking hyunwoo. He sends him a small smile and nods quietly. Too afraid of any despair that could come through his voice if he were to speak.

"Eat up everyone , we have to be in the meeting room in twenty minutes, we need to make a good impression if we want to get the best working with us for our debut"

Changkyun looks down at his bowl of rice, completely untouched. Lately just the thought of eating made him feel nauseous, there's a voice niggling at the back of his mind telling him that it's due to him bottling everything inside, that makes his appetite non existent, as if he stuffs himself to the brim with his own feelings and has no room left for food anymore. Changkyun pretends that that ache in his stomach is from not eating and not from crippling anxiety. Changkyun leaves the food. Nobody comments. 

It's a rush after that, jooheon excitedly bouncing around the place gushing about their debut and how great he knows it will be . Changkyun tries to keep up with him but he can't, weeks of isolating himself and trying to recover from the painful blows of no mercy have all but ruined his excitement about their debut. Changkyun takes no heed as they step into an elevator together and make their way toward one of the companies manager's office.

It's only when he is standing in the corner of the office squished in-between minhyuk and hyunwoo that changkyun knocks himself out of his thoughts and with horror realises who's office he is standing in. He looks around the room in what he hopes is disinterest but he knows probably looks something more like complete desperation. He takes in everything, tries to pretend he hadn't been in here less than four months ago. 

The desk is the same he realises, even though he thought it was gotten rid of. The desk is the same and changkyun can see himself as he is bent over it, tears streaming down his face as he begs and pleads for anybody to help him, prays to a god he had lost hope in, for mercy. The desk is the same and changkyun can see all the picture frames, knows every single detail on each of them. Knows that one of them is of him , can remember the day he saw it, the way he spent that evening bent over the toilet in complete self-hatred. The desk is the same and changkyun swears he can see the dents his fingernails left, worn deeper and deeper each time he visited this same office, with the same desk. 

The desk is the same and changkyun feels his head spin, he doesn't even need to see him, doesn't need to stand in the presence of the man who ruined him, because the desk is the same and changkyun can feel him, can feel him in the way he thinks and walks and looks, can feel him in the way he can't breathe. 

His palms feeling clammy where he grabs onto hyunwoos bare forearm to keep balance. He tries to convince himself that it's because he hasn't eaten properly in weeks but he knows it's not the reason. He buries himself in lies so he doesn't have to deal with the truth, pretends all his problems are his own fault because he can't deal with being the victim. Can't deal with not being in control. 

That's his last thought before changkyuns body gives out and he faints, collapsing into hoseoks arms just as the door of the office swings open. 

"Hello boys, changkyun-ah it's been awhile" 

*********  
When changkyun comes through he's lying on the couch in the dorm shrouded in blankets and heat. He can't help but feel suffocated as he thinks back over the day's events, he is in so much trouble. Not only did he faint but he made himself a weak and easy target for manipulation again. This is all his fault, he decides. If he just behaved and got over himself none of this would be happening.

"Changkyun-ah you had me so worried. How are you feeling? Are you too warm? Too cold? Hungry?" 

Kihyun burst into the room in a frenzy, carrying a basket of laundry and what looked like six pairs of shoes all the while fussing over changkyun and rearranging his blanket and pillow cocoon. 

"hyung, I am feeling ok, thank you. I am sorry for how I behaved earlier today, I don't know what happened but I promise it won't happen again, I --" 

"Hey, hey, hey changkyunnie . It's not your fault, the doctor said you had a panic attack and it caused you to faint, its not your fault so no need for apologies"

Kihyun was quick to reassure and comfort and changkyun knew he did not deserve such kindness and regard . He decided to take it all in and enjoy it for the short time because he knew what came next. Questions, and changkyun was already tired and sad and sore and he knew deep down that something would slip and then everyone would know. They would know how dirty he really was. 

As changkyun drifted off to sleep cuddled up on the couch he knew that he had gotten to comfortable in a place he didn't belong and he knew that when everything came out and his life went south that he deserved it all. Because in the end he was dirty and worthless and soon enough everyone would see that.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is quite depressing and angsty but in my mind (and maybe in a later fic) changkyun does tell the boys and he does get the help and support we all know he deserves. This fic is just to satisfy anybody who wants some real changkyun angst.


End file.
